First, Love Thyself
One of the most effective first steps towards actualizing this truth is to develop a metta, or loving-kindness, practice. Metta is a historically Buddhist technique for cultivating unconditional love and compassion. Conventionally, you begin with yourself by silently repeating phrases like "May I be happy, may I be safe, may I live with ease." You then progressively extend these good wishes outward in an ever larger and more challenging circle. Thus after yourself, a typical sequence might go from someone or something you already love unconditionally, such as a child, pet, or favorite place, to your best friend, someone you barely know, someone you strongly dislike, and then finally, all living things.
When I first started leading metta meditations, to my surprise, I discovered that the most difficult part of the entire sequence for many people was…themselves! In other words, these people actually found it easier to project unconditional love towards and have compassion for someone they truly despised than they did to wish these things for themselves.
The difficulty of having love and compassion for ourselves can often be traced back to childhood. Subtly, and sometimes not so subtly, our parents and caregivers may have conveyed to us that we were deeply flawed and imperfect beings. Or we discovered that we weren’t very good at school, or sports, or making friends, or whatever we thought was fundamentally important and indicative of a “good” person. Over time, these kinds of experiences led some of us, often unconsciously, to internalize the general belief that we were not worthy of and did not deserve unconditional love and compassion.
A wealth of research has consistently found strong associations between self love and compassion and a multitude of benefits, such as greater life satisfaction, increased happiness, and more resilience. Conversely, people who do not have much love or compassion for themselves have a much higher chance of struggling with their professional career and more personal things like depression, anxiety, perfectionism, and relationships. Thus one of the most effective things we can do to improve both our careers and our lives as a whole is to enhance our ability to love and have compassion for ourselves.
For example, when we first started working together, Sandra was a self-described wreck. As I got to know her better, I learned that throughout her childhood and continuing into her adult life, her mom was hyper critical towards her. Conversely, Sandra’s mom lavished her sister–the golden child–with effusive praise and unconditional support. Consequently, as a little girl, Sanda concluded that she must be a “bad” person and deserved the short end of the stick. Throughout her subsequent life, one way or another, that was generally exactly what she got.
Sandra’s professional career had largely been a succession of low-paying, insecure, demoralizing jobs. As had often been the case in the past, her current boss frequently criticized her for no particular reason, blamed her for his own mistakes, and took credit for her accomplishments. She was stuck in yet another volatile, demeaning, and exhausting romantic relationship. And despite her escalating physical problems, she still wasn’t taking care of herself–her sleep quality and quantity was low, her diet terrible, and her exercise minimal to nonexistent.
Fortunately, however, with the help of some recent therapy, Sandra had finally begun to unpack her history and see herself for who she really was–an intelligent, kind, hard-working person who was in fact worthy and deserving of love and compassion. By the time we met, she was eager to turn the page on her previous life and begin a new chapter.
Consequently, we began by devising concrete action plans for Sandra to convert her new intellectual insights into a new actual life. We started by having her develop a daily metta practice in which she increasingly became able and willing to cultivate genuine love and compassion for herself. This in turn led to breakthroughs in her previously unsuccessful efforts to take better care of herself: she started eating and sleeping better, joined a gym, and prioritized regular exercise.
Not surprisingly, these actions then catalysed numerous improvements in her life as a whole. For instance, she now looks and feels better than she ever has before in her adult life; her self esteem and confidence have reached new heights; and because she no longer (unconsciously) seeks or tolerates being treated poorly and unfairly others, her professional and personal relationships have become far more stable, supportive, and productive.
Last but not least, all these changes have also enabled Sandra to begin proactively exploring and pursuing more secure, rewarding, and lucrative new career pathways. Regardless of where she ultimately lands, I am confident that Sandra’s growing ability to have compassion for and love herself will empower her to enjoy ever more success and fulfillment in her professional career and personal life.
